Wednesday, September 22, 2010

vanity, procrastination, lazy


Those are the three words a friend recently chose when asked for three words that best describe me- I don't disagree. lol.

I don't know if this is true for all bloggers, but I find it very true to my case. I am a constant procrastinator of the severest kind, and will almost always keep putting away stuff til the very last minute. when I finally get round to getting started with a new blog post, I always find it weird that i have so much to say coz i've put if off for so long. i always put off so many things as 'insignificant' or 'uninteresting' or even when I do think they are, i keep putting them off, hoping to find the right words with which to capture them. Then finally, when chance will have me, i look back to suddenly find that so much has happened, and life in itself seems to have flown by rather quickly- the laugh of a child, the hug from a friend and how peaceful your lover looks when they are asleep (yes, i stare at you even when your are sleeping, lol). i now have waaay to much to write and even more to get round to doing, but I've spared a few mins to post a poem I jus finished very recently.


 

HOUSE ARREST- Laone van Vuuren


 

The instructions were quite simple-

Stand firm.

Speak with conviction.

Laugh foolishly.

Love recklessly.


 

Now fear has constricted you,

Has you within its bounds


 

In fear to overstep boundaries, you have imprisoned yourself

Fearing to express yourself, you've been misunderstood

Not wanting to come on too strongly, you've misrepresented yourself

Now you are discriminated against, misconceived

Everything you say is misconstrued lost in translation…

Always either five steps too fast or several more behind


 

Fear has imprisoned your mind, stolen whatever resembled confidence

and now doubt has you captive.


 

Your passion is gone.


 

Where the fire that warmed your heart burned, even the ashes have flown away.

You pace across the room, biting your nails and ask, "do you think he'll be back?"

and the dark sky looks back at you in silence.


 

Thursday, June 24, 2010

clutching straws, drawing blanks



for almost as long as i can remember, writing has been my thing. a constant companion that echoed celebration, numbed pain and reclaimed joy. long before puberty and acne, before love and experiments of love, before i even made perfect sense of its power, writing held out a hand and i grabbed the whole arm! intricately describing, weaving and plotting, setting scenes, rides in gondolas and ayam goreng at the mamak, words would just spew forth, and not necessarily to find logic or even meaning. this is what bore this blog, random rants with no guarantee at sense.

yet i then find that i am, especially this morning, groping in the dark for eloquent words to describe feelings in me, so turbulent, i dare say they deserve to be brought forth in a manner so elegant in description as 'eloquent'. clutching for straws and drawing blanks, i think it suffices to say it has been a very interesting time in my often mundane life. between a vulgar, obscenely hectic semester, family tragedies, rapacious love affairs and ecstatic friends- i now find the accumulation of so many emotions, there simply aren't enough words to express them all.

but i must write, i need to. even when i don't know where to start, or in what direction to go thereafter, i still must. even if for no other reason than to jerk off my own ego.